My brother brought this album back home in 1993; I was in third grade. It didn't mean much to me then, except that I felt a kind of superiority over my elementary school friends for being able to sing along to pop-y songs on the radio. Learning them wasn't difficult - all of them told perfectly mundane stories, things that could have happened to me the day before and yes, love and friendship that I looked forward to once I was that age.
Listening to them now I feel nostalgia for a life that back then seemed to be the natural order of things which now seem impossible. There was something comfortably parochial about life in my "city" which has all but disappeared - a curiosity and interest with affection in the lives of neighbors, the possibility of shared futures with people who just happen to live near you. All that seems gone (and I think it is the heart of our national crisis.)
I realize it's unfair to romanticize the past with its future that probably never was to be but it's interesting that all this time I've never quite managed to recreate even a semblance of that dream. Living from city to city among a world of strangers is about as far as I can get from the occasional chance meetings with old acquaintances. Further, with the impermanence of it all there's now an all or nothing approach - be a stranger or a close friend. I am content. I do feel connected - not in the way that is rooted in every sense of the word, that which refers to land and physical space shared with loved ones and strangers. I do not fear that I will lose the ones I have loved. I do fear that I will lose sight of the world is like, made up of loved and unloved.
I think I am yet to break out of the comfort of my psycho-social space.
stuck in reverse.
aaaah. it's never going to end. and i'm at a point where i can't even sleep to save my life. in 48 hours it should all be over. but what a hellish wait it will be.
the only things that have kept me sane are:
coldplay's "fix you"
beethoven's "pathetique" second movement
There's nothing more effective in keeping one from being productive than work that absolutely needs to be done. Finals blow.
Fun from stickynicky
Go to your music player of choice and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
What do you think of me, iTunes?
Obstacle 2 - Interpol ... wow, that is harsh!
Will I have a happy life?
Yeah, Whatever - Splender ... strike 2! iTunes suck
What do my friends really think of me?
Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer
Do people secretly lust after me?
The Nerve - Orange & Lemons ... geez, sorry I asked!
How can I make myself happy?
Abuse me - Silverchair ... this is a little close to home
What should I do with my life?
Let Love Rule - Lenny Kravitz ... if only it were that easy
Why must life be so full of pain?
Out of Habit - Ani Di Franco ... there's some truth in that
How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Play!! - Funk
Will I ever have children?
If You Fall - Azure Ray ... makes sense
Will I die happy?
Everything's not lost - Coldplay ... substitute for hope?
Can you give me some advice?
Love is Real - Jason Mraz
What do you think happiness is?
Just say Yes - The Cure
What's my favourite fetish?
The Secret Life of Daydreams - Jean Yves Thibaudet ... freakishly accurate
What is my theme song for 2006?
How's it Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind ... indeed!
and i answered its call. I went to the New York Public Library today to do my practice test. Well, two-thirds of it. It was the perfect place to study - the nice long tables, gorgeous ceiling, the cool airconditioning. Even the people around me gave the perfect simulation for an actual exam. All in all, I had a productive day.
I don't know why I ever hated New York. It seems that it's everything a city is supposed to be. It's so easy to get around and there are so many public spaces where people can just sit and be. After a late lunch I sat down at Bryant Park behind the library. They even have these bookshelves where you can grab a book to read while you're passing your time.
Maybe it's the first time that I'm seeing New York with the independence that the city requires of its inhabitants and visitors. I used to think New York was a hard lonely place - that's why I hated the tourists who crowded the streets and covered up its emptiness. But I suppose we carry our own loneliness, and it's only now I've learned that I'm everything but alone. As with loneliness, you can carry the love and support of those who care about you.
Did I change this summer? I can't tell. Something is definitely different. I'm happier. Not giddy, not delirious. Not even not-sad. Less afraid. Less controlled. More certain? No, more hopeful. Ready.
On repeat: Be still my heart (Postal Service)
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.
And I thought, be still my heart...
New season starts September 8. Whee!!
12 more days till doomsday. Gaah! I'm going to go insane.
On other news, Abu Dhabi is out this summer. My sister called to say it's not going to happen. Lucky for her, my other sister is making up for it by getting me an ipod! Whee!! I told you Prado, we will join each other very soon. I might just run away to Boston, or make for Florida two weeks early. Or I could hang around New York, too. What to do? What to do??
If she wants me (Belle and Sebastian)
I wrote a letter on a nothing day
I asked someone “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope”
I said goodbye to someone that I love
It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us
And it was hard
Like coming off the pill that you take to stay happy
Someone above has seen me do alright
Someone above is looking with a tender eye
Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes
On second thoughts I’d rather hang about and be there with my best friend
If she wants me
And far away somebody read the letter
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all his curious nerve and your passion
I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all
But life is good and “It’s always worth living at least for a while”
If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes
On second thoughts I’d rather hang about and be there with my best friend
If she wants me
If you think to yourself “What should I do now?”
Then take the baton, girl, you better run with it
There is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with
I took a book and went into the forest
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home
this will probably be my last post for a long time. aside from the fact that i must focus on studying from now until the 19th, i would probably have nothing interesting to write for all of august. i'm coping with missing home pretty well. i must be since i'm constantly smiling. it's kind of amazing - i feel as if at the back of my eyes is this recording of all the things that's happened these past two months, on perpetual playback. my cousins must think i've been pretty spacey of late. of course i miss everyone, but i don't feel at all that i've lost anything. in fact, i gained a lot. i love them all so much more now. i didn't even know that there could be more of this...
anyway, pictures are up. please visit my multiply site (see links). it will make you laugh, i promise! summer craziness only the way we know how - no limits, just reckless abandon.
as for now, i'll leave you with these two songs from the OC, the soundtrack of my life. as David mockingly noted, everything goes back to the OC...
Hello Sunshine
(So hard to say goodbye
Meaning it today
I've said goodbye before
Leaving you alone
By the sea
So hard to say goodbye)
Hello sunshine
Come into my life
In honesty it's been a while
Since we had reason left to smile
Hello sunshine
Come into my life
I'm a minger
You're a minger too
So come on minger
I want to ming with you
In honesty it's been a while
Since we had reason left to smile
Hello sunshine
Come into my life
You're not so innocent
You're a disgrace to your country
If you fled a million miles I'd chase you for a day
(If I could be bothered)
Hello sunshine
Come into my life
Honey and the Moon
Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives
Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call
I'd call you back
And then I'd leave a message
On your answering machine
But right now
Everything is turning blue
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon
And right nowI wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight
We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night
But right now
Everything you want is wrong
And right now
All your dreams are waking up
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight
We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill
We hang
around
Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up
All the time I'm falling down
But right now
Everything is turning blue
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives