Today I went on a very long walk on a beach that couldn't quite decide whether to be rocky (sometimes smooth, sometimes razor-sharp) or sandy (sometimes fine, sometimes grainy), that went up and down and across, on an afternoon that was both hot and cold, with the sun playing hide and seek.
Today I fell in love with El Nido - for the beach's identity crisis, an easy metaphor for oneself, and for its beauty that requires work and perseverance to behold, a perfect metaphor for life.
It was a full kilometer of beach before I spotted someone, and beyond that there was no one else.
Showing posts with label been there. Show all posts
Showing posts with label been there. Show all posts
I failed. In a typical London manner, it rained; and, in a typical manner in which I go about things I have serious personal apprehensions, I found it as an excuse not to try. Thus, in the typical manner that life imitates art, this rainy day became the backdrop against which an exchange of favors (my introverted self to put on the fangirl mask for the price of an autograph and small - miniscule - talk) failed to take place.
I could try again tomorrow.
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I was fully prepared for an onslaught of emotionally harrowing plot twists and revelations on the scale of Long Day's Journey into Night but it was surprisingly open to all sorts of hopeful trajectories, if one is optimistic. Many things struck me about it (not the least of which how truly amazing it was to be within meters, sometimes less, of James McAvoy) but what's lingering now is Ned's assertion that life in summary, can be seen as two pillars connected by an arch: what we want and what we get linked by guilt. Since it is a very Catholic/Christian notion - Ned himself confesses to believe in original sin - it is difficult for me to generalize it's significance without worrying what my own background adds to the picture. Yet for me there is a very real sense that between the things we intend to say/have/do and the things we do or don't get/say/do is the burden of responsibility. For what exactly, it is unclear. It could be a sense of responsibility for a small explanation of how things came to be the way they are or for actual missteps and misjudgments. Could we ever free ourselves of this burden?
Merhaba. Ankara is a very comfortable place to be in. Despite the fact that nobody speaks English outside of our community, it feels a lot like home. Aside from the the heat, the traffic and the staggered development that makes it look a lot like parts of Metro Manila (or perhaps closer to Rizal/Laguna area), the people are really very friendly and helpful. For example, after being told that my bank here will be open on a Saturday and upon finding that it wasn't on the time of my arrival, I tried to ask around if it was going to open that day. Armed with my phrasebook I uttered the syllables that were supposed to mean, "What time does Garanti open?" Sure enough within minutes, I was surrounded by six men trying to understand what I was saying and another sent off to look for someone who spoke English. It's definitely a place I could see myself staying awhile, should alternative plans fall through.
I'm happy too for the openness of the people I work with. I suppose with the constant comings and goings they've acquired a perpetual welcoming attitude. I'm pleased with the church I found and the community there. Most of all, I'm relieved with how well-behaved and motivated my students are, since I spend most of my time with them.
Unexpectedly, I'm transitioning much better that I had initially scared myself into thinking. I'm no social butterfly and I haven't shed all the awkwardness that is in me, but I've found people to talk to and spend time with. Thanks to skype/aim/gtalk, I don't have to feel lonely for my friends everywhere else in the world.
Having my own place, though is a huge adjustment. It feels daunting to be responsible for all the rooms of this small apartment. Tidying up has to be done everyday, else everything piles up and I've got no floor to walk on or bed to sleep in. Buying groceries is turning out to be a chore. I think I have to do a bit more planning on that. So far I've thrown out at least three bags of produce which I didn't have time to cook. Just tonight, I thought I'd salvage my meat by throwing out the doubtful parts and cooking the rest, only to end up chucking the whole dish after cooking it because the doubt stuck with me.
I do think I'm slowly making my way to being more responsible, although I'm at a place where I'm resenting having to grow up, which I probably should have done six or so years ago.
Alas, September is nearing its end and I've never been sadder to see it go. On the 10th Nic and I flew down to Florida, joined by Ging by the 12th. We stayed at an amazing hotel right by the beach and spent much of our time either by/in the water or watching tv in our room. We swam in the Atlantic and watched the sunrise over Europe.
Hauled ass to the dorms on the 15th and was greeted with a belated birthday party on the 17th. To kick off senior year, we hit up Pub Night and danced the night away. OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH-SIX!!
Shopped for classes on the 19th (picked up English, History, Bio, Japanese and Philosophy) and despite the fact that I had several boxes left unpacked, a thesis proposal due and already a week's worth of reading to be done, I welcomed my sisters to Cambridge on the 23rd. We drove to New Hampshire, met new family members, toured Boston (and loved it more), pimped up the dorm. (It was hard to say goodbye, but now I try to keep my room clean to make myself feel as if they're still here).
October is looking to be just as promising: a field trip to the Butterfly Place on Sunday, wrapping up Madame Bovary on Tuesday, dinner at my favorite restaurant on Thursday, birthday party on Friday and Columbus Day weekend.
Granted I haven't been sleeping, I have more work than I can handle, already behind in the job search and a daunting thesis to embark on, I'll keep my hopes up that this will be a good year.
I think it was Julia Ormond as Sabrina who said "I must've been taking pictures all my life, long before I even had a camera."
Funny/sad phone episode with Prado last night. We must've been on the phone for four hours, sometimes talking, mostly not. It was such an Oedipus Rex night (minus the incest) - when a truth was unraveled and the only seemingly sane thing to do is gouge one's eyes out. (Don't get any ideas, Prado, it's just an analogy. It's going to be okay, meng. Carry na lang. Kung kaya ko, kaya mo rin. Love naman kita baby.)
She said, "I wish I were seven again, so I can do stupid things and forget about it after 2 seconds." Watching my little cousin, it amazes me how much children can tolerate: inconstancy of attention, temporary neglect, outright rejection. But they never give up, they go on pestering and nagging, single-mindedly pursuing a simple objective: to be loved. Maybe at 21, not much of that has changed. We're still as needy and insecure as we were 14 years ago. We just don't have the same courage as they do. We always feel like we have so much more to lose at this point in our lives. Do we?
Yes!! Done, done, done. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who phoned and wrote cards, posts, comments, e-mails and text messages. Thank you thank you thank you Suri for metaphorically holding my hand through the break times. Thank you thank you thank you Ji for celebrating the end with me! It feels kind of weird. Now I'm unsure what to do with myself. Even if I didn't let it take over my life this summer, studying for this test at least enforced some structure into my summer. Now, well, it's a whole lot of reading, watching TV and general house-bumminess for me.
Right after (well more like several phone calls after) I walked to the Strand and bought Harry Potter 6, The Collected Works of Oscar Wilde and Stendhal's Love. Ji and I had dinner at McDonald's and watched 40-year old virgin. (Watch it! It's wicked funny!) All in all, it was a perfect ending.
Jenny and her friends drove in yesterday from Chicago and we met up at the Met from where we walked to the Guggenheim. Shelby got us free tickets! I'm going to kidnap her (and her free tickets) several weekends from now and go museum crazy. We had dinner at the Hard Rock and wandered around Times Square a bit. I'm so tired (and broke) I just want to stay in for the rest of the summer, until Fort Lauderdale.
Off to breakfast and Harry Potter.
and i answered its call. I went to the New York Public Library today to do my practice test. Well, two-thirds of it. It was the perfect place to study - the nice long tables, gorgeous ceiling, the cool airconditioning. Even the people around me gave the perfect simulation for an actual exam. All in all, I had a productive day.
I don't know why I ever hated New York. It seems that it's everything a city is supposed to be. It's so easy to get around and there are so many public spaces where people can just sit and be. After a late lunch I sat down at Bryant Park behind the library. They even have these bookshelves where you can grab a book to read while you're passing your time.
Maybe it's the first time that I'm seeing New York with the independence that the city requires of its inhabitants and visitors. I used to think New York was a hard lonely place - that's why I hated the tourists who crowded the streets and covered up its emptiness. But I suppose we carry our own loneliness, and it's only now I've learned that I'm everything but alone. As with loneliness, you can carry the love and support of those who care about you.
Did I change this summer? I can't tell. Something is definitely different. I'm happier. Not giddy, not delirious. Not even not-sad. Less afraid. Less controlled. More certain? No, more hopeful. Ready.
On repeat: Be still my heart (Postal Service)
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.
And I thought, be still my heart...
Walked around Fort Santiago with Jelly and Nikki. After a while we couldn't stand the heat, so we went shopping at The Fort, Fort Bonifacio. Cooled down at Greenbelt. Got Wipe[d]out - Luis Fear, definitely not my drink of choice. Stay away from it, never have I ever tasted anything so nasty.
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Belated happy.
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Belated happy.