It's almost hard to believe that it's been less than a year since my last post. Yet, as with any span of time in between reflections and broadcasts, the events, lessons, revelations are too numerous to recollect. As always, it surprises me how much change we are able to endure.
My first year in Ankara has been an extraordinary experience, mostly for all the unexpected challenges and rewards. I have been lucky. Summer in the Philippines was equally memorable, with its own share of the fantastic and the all too real: reunions and separations, dreams and disappointments, life and death. All in all I feel as if I've jumped into cold water to find that life is both refreshing and uncomfortable, numbing and stimulating, distressing as well as cleansing. In many situations I felt myself afraid and in most of them I've come out surprised at my own capacity to cope, other people's ability to accommodate and the natural and social laws' dynamic way of keeping things just within reach of achievement and understanding.
I'm nearly falling asleep. Lastly, I've also opened up a channel here: restrictedspace.blogspot.com
It's been a long time, although I did not mean for all those days to pass away without writing. Thoughts like snow fell and settled, sublimed into fog and pfff, gone in the sun. But this is where I am now.
Merhaba. Ankara is a very comfortable place to be in. Despite the fact that nobody speaks English outside of our community, it feels a lot like home. Aside from the the heat, the traffic and the staggered development that makes it look a lot like parts of Metro Manila (or perhaps closer to Rizal/Laguna area), the people are really very friendly and helpful. For example, after being told that my bank here will be open on a Saturday and upon finding that it wasn't on the time of my arrival, I tried to ask around if it was going to open that day. Armed with my phrasebook I uttered the syllables that were supposed to mean, "What time does Garanti open?" Sure enough within minutes, I was surrounded by six men trying to understand what I was saying and another sent off to look for someone who spoke English. It's definitely a place I could see myself staying awhile, should alternative plans fall through.
I'm happy too for the openness of the people I work with. I suppose with the constant comings and goings they've acquired a perpetual welcoming attitude. I'm pleased with the church I found and the community there. Most of all, I'm relieved with how well-behaved and motivated my students are, since I spend most of my time with them.
Unexpectedly, I'm transitioning much better that I had initially scared myself into thinking. I'm no social butterfly and I haven't shed all the awkwardness that is in me, but I've found people to talk to and spend time with. Thanks to skype/aim/gtalk, I don't have to feel lonely for my friends everywhere else in the world.
Having my own place, though is a huge adjustment. It feels daunting to be responsible for all the rooms of this small apartment. Tidying up has to be done everyday, else everything piles up and I've got no floor to walk on or bed to sleep in. Buying groceries is turning out to be a chore. I think I have to do a bit more planning on that. So far I've thrown out at least three bags of produce which I didn't have time to cook. Just tonight, I thought I'd salvage my meat by throwing out the doubtful parts and cooking the rest, only to end up chucking the whole dish after cooking it because the doubt stuck with me.
I do think I'm slowly making my way to being more responsible, although I'm at a place where I'm resenting having to grow up, which I probably should have done six or so years ago.
This weekend we went to Water Country in Portsmouth, NH. Geronimo is a 58-foot almost straight down speed slide. I was free falling. Twice.
In two days I have to say goodbye to some of the best people I know, some students and some co-workers. It hasn't quite hit me with the finality it deserves. I've always avoided saying goodbye by convincing myself that these relationships are merely making a turn, away from constant physical presence to long-distance attentiveness. To a certain extent, I had been rightly persuaded. This time, it is different. Between my students being too young and my relationships with my co-workers a little premature, I see no avenue for continuity. Alas, this goodbye might just be a final farewell.
I never want to forget how I fell in love twenty-five times over, five days a week. There were days I almost cried, trying so hard to contain my anger, only to be softened by one apologetic look. I would revel in the quiet of the holidays, only to find myself emptied and ready to be filled again by their presence.
Twelve months ago I was so uncertain of the future. I had no idea God had such great love in store for me.
I've been meaning to write but all my days seem to meld together until I can no longer distinguish yesterday from the day before or from the week that passed. More agonizingly, I have no clear idea on how all my time was spent. Interestingly, even as the school year winds down, and we go from project to project, there's still more work to be done - in addition to all the summer school business and moving to Ankara.
I shall try to come back and write again this weekend. In the meantime, I have to flip my calendar once again. I can already see the day I graduated last year. At least the tulips are much improved.
It's harder than it seems and easier at the same time. It's hard to remember to keep in touch these days, but it's not as hard to track people down and a line to them. Spring makes me nostalgic. Undoubtedly 70 degrees is incomparable to the summers in the Philippines, but the heat, the thaw, the sun makes me think of home - of things I'd done in days like these or people I'd been with. Some days there are moments that bring me way back to my Miriam days - green knolls, ceiling fans, makopa trees. Some days I'm brought back to IS, middle school, Mr. Errington's room and S.A.V.E. meetings after school. Or sitting on the corridors waiting by the wall for homeroom to start, across from the seventh grader who had hair like Pocahontas.
Where are all those people now?
I have 10 potted plants: aloe, palm, purple shamrock, cactus, african violets, two types of foliage and two types of vine, not to mention a dormant cyclamen. Aside from the aloe, violets and cyclamen, I've had these plants for two years now. Most of them I got as a bulb from a lady I work with, or cuts from places I've worked at. Two years ago I had beakers and water bottles full of liquid fertilizer stuffed with plants. Everyday I would wait for them to grow new roots; and if I had a free Saturday I would go to Dickson's, buy a new pot and get my hands dirty moving them to a new home.
They're all flourishing quite nicely and now that spring is upon us, I even have a few flowers to greet me every morning.
There are few pleasures that can compare to watching things grow: looking back at how these plants were when I first got them to how they are now. I used to have to arrange the leaves so that the pot didn't look so empty, but now they are all full and soon in need of repotting.
In between all of that there's also the experience of watching them go to sleep, slowly drying up and losing its leaves, until there's nothing.
I wish I had the heart of a gardener, in all the things that I do.
I took down the tree below after two and a half months. Our living room looks like it did before. February break is winding down and it will be back to school very soon. I miss my kids.
Jen and KX helped me build it.
I remember when I used to watch my grandfather build ours. I used to help out by washing the leaves, one pine needle at a time.
It's been the busiest past two weeks - from hosting my roommates for Harvard-Yale to cooking and cleaning for college students homeless for the holidays, not to mention the Christmas shopping that still has to be done. But it's been fun.
However, I don't want to be too busy to say this. To all of my friends and family, this past year and a half has been a really trying time for me (although no time is without trial) in ways I've never known to express. I thank you for being there for me, for forgiving me and for pushing me out of my rut.
The first of the roomies has come - bearing this gift from Rome.
Calendario Romano - the Roman Priest Calendar. How can something that seems so wrong look so right?
After two days, I finally got the three-column layout to work on my page. Let's hope this new devotion to my blog keeps up.
I'm trying to get better at this updating thing.
I took this picture from a house we visited in Long Island. This piece I thought was beautiful and creepy at the same time. Why would anyone have bronze statues of people sitting and playing on their terrace? Shouldn't that space be for real people? The figures did look very life-like, particularly this one, which in turn added to the impressive eerieness of it all.
is my absolute favorite season. It's been exceptionally warm, too.
Lots of things to look forward to in the next few weeks:
a) Harvard-Yale with my roommates
b) Thanksgiving with my sister and stragglers from the college
c) Winter with the kids
d) Christmas
I have to go to Church in an hour. I thought I should post SOMETHING since it's been months.
The nice thing about cable TV with too many movie channels is that somewhere in that haystack of old and new, classic and forgotten is that occasional needle that sews purpose back into your movie-watching experience. (Also great is having TV Guide as your metal detector).
"Muriel's Wedding" is the story of a young woman in her twenties driven to lie, cheat and steal by her one and only goal: to get married. It sounds light-hearted, as if it could be the plot line for the next Lindsay Lohan/Hilary Duff chick flick, but don't take "lie, cheat and steal" too lightly nor "getting married" to be as happy and heart-warming as it is often symbolically presented.
I don't know if it was the fact that the movie is from the early 90s or that it's Australian that makes the plot and the character development surprising at times, breaking out of the formulaic romantic comedy we know and I, genuinely, cherish. It doesn't quite follow the mold where the audience is taken to gentle slopes of joy, frustration, grief and delight. For example, Muriel is, in a word, insane, and at times so horrid she deserves no sympathy at all. While there is the traditional naive, ugly duckling to the confident, made over woman transition, there isn't that core good but oppressed person you're rooting for through the changes. As for the story, the "happy ending" comes in the middle and "ever after" isn't quite what one would expect. But it works, and for all it's surprises, it shines on its own.
If I ever have to make a "Favorite Movies" list, I have to remember to count this one.
I made this one up. When all you have instead of a job are Arrested Development, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and CSI DVDs, the situation really calls for a walk into the inner recesses of one's ...well, insides (although today marks the day of internet at home AND directv - things might just be looking up for little old me). So try this one on for size:
Three things I want in my lifetime:
1. A sound medical practice
2. My own greenhouse and/or garden
3. World peace
(if I could have five:
4. An olympic-size pool
5. three kids)
Three things I want in the near future:
1. A job
2. All the things in my room put away and organized
3. World peace
(if I could have five:
4. more Arrested Development
5. more CSI and Buffy)
Three things I wish for now:
1. Patience
2. Perseverence
3. World peace
Three things I wish I did/had
1. A tape of my grandparents' voices
2. Photos from when I was younger
3. Not quit art lessons when I was 8
Things I've been learning to say in Spanish:
yo quiero ver contigo una película
yo quiero mirar las estrellas contigo esta noche
yo sueño contigo todas las noches
yo pienso que tú debes amarme
todo contigo
"I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me."I was chatting with Jelly today who reminded me of this movie, and this quote in particular. What is it about happiness that makes you forget about patience during the down times?
I never had much trouble catching ladybugs when I was little, but I remember it took me a while to master the art of capturing grasshopers. Dragonflies are particularly tricky as well. Fireflies were the most fun of course and spiders took the most courage - we never figured out which ones were biters. Last weekend I was trying to teach my sister's brother-in-law's daughter how to catch a butterfly. It was a failure; it's hard now even for me to believe that I ever did it with such ease. Where have my bug days gone?
Somebody please hit me the next time I go down the slippery slope of Emo Mountain. When did I get so depressing?
Lots of things to look forward to this month.
1) Our own apartment at last!
We're moving this week, so it's going to be really busy. At least it's the last bit of moving craziness we'll have to do. Finally my own room, with my own bed. We'll have to figure out the internet situation soon. It'll be so exciting to decorate and fix it up. We finally have our own kitchen so if I'm really ambitious I might cook meals or bake pies, or put hotpockets in the microwave.
Of course, everyone is welcome to visit!
2) Roomies going off to medical schools, consulting firms, fighting big time organizations.
While I'm being useless I'm living vicariously through the rich, full lives of my roommates (or at least their expectation of it since some are still in bum mode, ahem, Jennifer). On the one hand, it's really sad to think that we're not going back to the way things were but on the other hand, it's exciting to think of places we'll have to visit to see each other or stories we'll be telling each other. We can be like correspondents for various American frontiers, erm, or something.
3) Hopefully finding a job. Cross your fingers for me!
Although I am currently enjoying having all the time in the world to talk to my friends whom I miss every day, I would like to work.
4) August movies. Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby, The Illusionist.
I'm currently injured. So I haven't been able to run. Even walking hurts. I hate being stuck in one place, but I'm worried I'll do something to permanently mess up my foot. I guess the pace I'm looking for is slower than the walk-don't-run adage. The cosmos is telling me to sit and think. Dum dee dum.